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How to rebuild a broken marriage

By Chantal

Marriages do get broken and very often too. Especially in this century when almost everyone gets into marriage prepared to quit immediately things get rough. There are so many reasons that could account for a broken marriage. Sometimes things happen so fast you barely took out time to understand what was going on or learn how to deal with it until one day you realize you are both about to sign the divorce paper – or already did. Fixing a broken marriage is not an impossibility like some people may think. The truth is, if you got married to someone in the first place, it is proof that you actually loved that person and intended to spend your entire life with him or her. However, intentions can’t really go very far without preparations. Since it is evident that you both once loved each other dearly (and possibly still do), a broken marriage may really not be what neither of you want. That is a good place to start from because if the couple is willing, less effort is needed to make things work unlike when only one person is still interested in fixing your marriage and has to bear the responsibility alone.

Whether you are the only person interested in fixing your marriage, you can still go through the following points which will help you understand what you need to do as far as saving a broken marriage is concerned.

To fix anything worth your efforts, it is easiest when you first understand the cause. Knowing why your marriage is broken is the first step to fixing it. So let’s start by looking at some possible reasons why your marriage is broken then from them you will easily grasp what you need to do in order to get the restoration you so much desire.

Reconsider why you both decided to get married to each other

People just don’t get married to a total stranger. Even if you fell in love at first sight you will have enough brains to know that you cannot immediately get married to this person. You must have put in time and a lot more to build your relationship to the point where you both came to the conclusion that you are right for each other and intend to spend your life together as a couple. Remember at the time you made the decision to get married to this particular person, there were many other women or men you could choose to be your life partner. In fact, millions of them. Yet you loved and appreciated him or her enough to make that person your life partner. That decision and the specific reasons were unique and could be what has kept you two together all this time you have been married. Therefore, the key to rebuilding trust in a relationship and fixing a broken marriage is figuring out what has changed from when you decided to get married to now that you are breaking apart.

Well, the following points will help you figure out what went wrong and how you can make changes that are vital to fixing your marriage.

Maybe you lost the fervency of your love for each other

Most often than not, when two people are dating and intend to get married, they go to see a marriage counselor. Now one of the most popular questions these counselors ask is this; why do you two want to get married to each other. Of course you can guess what answer almost always meets that question. “Because we love each other”! It is one of the clearest characteristics of dating that people feel so loved and attached to each other to then point where they are hardly able to imaging living without each other. Often times, it is on this platform that they make the decision to stay together for life, for better or worse. As far as fixing a broken marriage is concerned, it is necessary that you both commit yourselves to fanning the flames of love afresh. It is also necessary for rebuilding trust in a relationship.

The sorry part of it is that the marriage counselors couples go to see often fail to warn them of the fact that they are not always going to feel the same way they do at that moment. And we can’t entirely blame the marriage counselors because even when the warning is made clear, their clients are so high in love that such warnings just seem out of place. I am certain you felt the excitement of loving your partner before you both got married. Remember the many sacrifices you each made to keep each other’s attentions and love ablaze? The constant gifts, and outings to romantic places. The endless text messages expressing your love for each other and the deep desire to always spend as much time with each other as possible? What actually kept the fervency was the sincere sacrifices you both made. Those things were necessary to preserve your marriage all this while and they are even more necessary for saving a broken marriage. Now that fervency of love seems to have vanished or faded away, and why??

As time passed, you began to take each other for granted

Sometime later you are both visiting the same counselor again or maybe a different counselor. When you visited before marriage, you both came hand in hand, almost cuddled up with each other. At that time, you did not even think it was necessary that you saw a marriage counselor. You loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of your lives together. what else could be more important? Now, after a few months or years, you came into the counselor’s office almost five minutes apart from each other.  What transpired and makes the difference between then and now is the fact that you now feel accustomed to each other and have taken the love you once shared and expressed for granted. Taking the needs and desires of your partner seriously is necessary to rebuilding trust in a relationship. But sadly that is one thing you are hardly conscious of anymore.

You no longer text or talk on phone as often as you use to do. The excuse is that you are now living in the same house and it just doesn’t seem reasonable or necessary that you call or text each other as often as you use to. But at the same time, you both work throughout the day and only get to see each other in the evening when you are both tired and worn out. No more fun outings and surprise gifts. Now all that remains in your marriage is only a shadow of what was once so lively.

So what do you do concerning this issue to fix the damage caused? Simply go back to appreciating and demonstrating your love for each other like you use to do when you both dated. Love in marriage as in relationships has to be taken care of in order to have the best out of it and keep it glowing. It may seem that this is impossible but if you are willing to fix your marriage and your partner has even the slightest desire to do the same, things will definitely work out. Love grows and it takes just the little acts that we often neglect to make it blossom again. It is so even in marriage.

Inability to deal with infidelity
There are very few things that can have as serious negative impact on a marriage. Some marriage people can stick to the same partner even in financial or emotional problems, but it is not very easy to hold up with the thought that your partner has been unfaithful especially when you don’t know how to deal with the betrayal of trust. Infidelity remains one of the most common causes of broken marriages around the world and it is indeed one of the most difficult cases to deal with. The truth is, though finding out that one’s partner has been unfaithful is terribly painful, it is possible to deal with it and make amends to a broken marriage. Here are some ideas that could help you in saving a broken marriage caused by infidelity.

Count the cost of losing your marriage before giving in to divorce

Your partner cheated and has terribly betrayed the trust and bond you shared this far. The deed has been done and it is indeed a regrettable one. But the question is what do you really want? If you really want a divorce, then there is no need to read on. But if you are determined to keep your marriage, then you need to focus more on what your marriage means to you. Consider all you have built together, the good times you have spent together, the sacrifices he or she has made for the marriage and all the years of effort. Are you just going to give all that away in the twinkle of an eye? Thinking in this line is necessary for saving a broken marriage.

Consider what it will mean for your children if you have any. Your wife or husband cheated and oh what a mess they have made, but why punish the children or allow their lives to be negatively affected by the mistakes of their parents? Think of what effects a separation or termination of your marriage will have on the kids and let that help you hold on to your marriage through the hurt you may be feeling.

Finally, you need to ask yourself if you are ready to spend the rest of your life alone or remarry. Remarrying is not an easy thing, especially when you have to do it after a heart break. The main disadvantage is the fact that you are likely to make terrible mistakes due to emotional vulnerability. So consider these, give yourselves some time to heal before taking a final decision.

Consider how effective you communicate with each other

Poor or ineffective communication is another serious issue that causes problems in marriages. It also makes rebuilding trust in a relationship difficult. The primary means of keeping your connection with your spouse is effective communication. This means that if your communication is poor, it is very likely that you will both be moving towards divorce. The better you can communicate with each other, the less likely it will be for you to separate. Sadly, many couples do not understand what proper communication means. It is possible that you have now come to a point with each other where you are looking forward to breaking the relationship because you just have not been able to talk to each other or get your partner to understand you. well, you will need to get better at communicating if you are looking forward to fixing your marriage.

Effective communication is the bedrock of every relationship, not just marriage. However, it is even more vital to communicate effectively in marriage. If you have had issues expressing yourself to your partner and getting them to understand you, then it is good that you both look for ways to express yourselves clearly.

When a person is hurt and does not find a way to express how they feel or cannot seem to get the other person to understand what it means to them, it builds tension over time. If the issue keeps repeating itself, it will not be long before the offended person gives up. For example, a husband who never assists his wife with household chores may be hurting her every time he leaves for work without doing so much as making up the bed or returns from work and leaves her to complete all the daily chores by herself.

This could make her feel neglected and mistreated. However, the problem is further compounded when she just can’t find a way to make him take it as serious as she thinks it is. The man may just ignore her whenever she brings up the matter, wondering why his wife should be complaining about household chores when he works his ass off every day to provide for the family. The husband fails to understand to his wife, helping out with household chores is an act of love and goes a long way to intensify the bond of love between them. Then other things set in and soon the husband is shocked that his darling wife is asking for a divorce.

If you have gotten to the place of divorce, try to find out what your grievances have been. Go over them and make amends. This will help you as you work on rebuilding trust in your relationship. In communicating effective, men especially have to understand that women do not always talk or recount their experiences because they need advice. Most times it’s just because they need to talk. The key therefore is to listen rather than seek to be heard.

Seek counselling and advice

Professional counselling remains one of the most formidable means by which a broken marriage can be rebuild. Certainly there are some people who do not believe in seeing a marriage counselor. Sometimes it is because marriage counselors too have their own marital problems they are dealing with which makes it difficult for people to trust their competence. If you have a partner who does not believe that seeing a marriage counselor can help your marriage, you may have to work on that aspect first because no matter what processes you guys are going to go through, it will amount to little or nothing as far as rebuilding your marriage is concerned.

If, however you both want to save your marriage and agree to use the help of a marriage counselor, you will have to definitely go through some quality sessions that will help you both revisit vital aspects of your love for each other. You will both also come to see where you went wrong in the course of your relationship and understand what part you have to play in other to rebuild your marriage again. Even when a couple find out their marriage is falling apart and are both interested in saving it, they may not have the necessary knowledge to rebuild. It is that knowledge which is important when you go to see a marriage counselor. After all, if you both knew how to work it out you should not even have gotten into that situation in the first place. This means when you go to see a marriage counselor, forget about whatever differences you may have with your partner and fix your mind on the information he or she is giving you to help rebuild your relationship.

Make up your mind to be sacrificial

It must have taken a lot of neglect for you two to have come to the point where you are looking forward to a divorce. Now you will have to make a lot of sacrifices to rebuild what you took for granted all this while. To rebuild a broken marriage, the watchword is sacrifice. You have to put in time, to spend money, to show love and respect. You have to work hard together to rebuild what has been broken. Your encouragement should be the fact that whatever efforts you make will earn you the reward of a restored marriage.

Spend time together, visit some romantic places and express yourselves lovingly and respectfully. If you are the man for example, you should be willing to let go of some work time, some official appointments, and some money in order to rebuild your marriage. If you are the woman, you may have to reconsider the way you take care of yourself and how you treat your husband. Making changes where you have been putting in less than your best will help heal the wounds from which your marriage is hurting and restore the love and passion that is necessary for marital bliss.

Go through the vows you made to each other again

Remember when you first expressed your love for each other or when you took vows at the altar, there were pledges and promises made to be committed to each other, to love and respect your spouse, to be there for them when the going is though as well as when things are going on well.

Take out time individually to revisit those vows. Though it may seem senseless, it is a vital step when it comes to fixing a broken marriage. Write them down if you remember them and ask yourself the tough questions. How committed have you been to those vows? Have you been respectful to your spouse, have you done your best to ensure that you play your part in the marriage. Marriage is a union and it takes work on both parts for the union to work. Going through your vows helps in rebuilding trust in a relationship and to see where you have been at fault and how you should make amends.

Recommit to the “little things” that have been neglected

The things that connect two hearts together are indeed those we might consider insignificant especially when it comes to fixing a broken marriage. Things like frequent hugs and intimate touch, romantic outings, helping your spouse meet their goals and fulfil their dream. These things are very vital when it comes to building intimacy and commitment to each other. They are also necessary for saving a broken marriage. The truth is that commitment to certain degrees is a function of a person’s intimacy with his or her spouse. Intimacy helps you stay bonded and keeps the fire of love burning. Certainly if you can keep your love for each other ablaze, it will be a minor matter to rebuild your marriage again.

When all else is said, remember to seek the help of your parents. At least they must have gone through some of such pressure in their own marriage and will definitely be able to give you trust worthy advice that will be important for fixing your marriage. In the same light, other older couples, especially those who have been together much longer than you have will definitely be able to give you wise counselling. Nevertheless, you must both commit yourselves to putting whatever advice you receive to practice. 

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